Taking it out on the wrong person.

Tonight I was angry and I think I had a case of displaced anger (I think that's what it's called). I might have overreacted to a text I received from a friend earlier in the evening. So right about dinner time, I decide to go to Sonic (being that it was one of the only places open besides Jack n the Box for a quick bite) and get something to eat for me and Alex.

I could see they were extremely busy. I only saw two people inside and they seemed to be moving as fast as they could, so I didn't mind that it was taking them a while to get to me. I had pressed the red button to order as I first pulled up. It took them about 12 minutes to get to me, but let's rewind just a little bit.

So I'm on the phone with my friend Natalie and I'm explaining to her how busy it seemed there, when suddenly I notice a figure in front of my car. It appeared to be a person wrapped in a blanket. Suddenly the figure moves around the menu and to my window. I look up and it's a woman. I wasn't too sure if she was homeless, but her words to me were something like she was kicked out. From where? I have no clue, but still she was hanging out at Sonic, and it was a little sad.

The woman asks me if I would buy her a cup of coffee. I couldn't deny her this request, afterall had she been homeless, she would have eaily asked me for money. I asked what size and she said a small would be fine. I said that would be ok, but that it was taking them some time to get to my order. She slowly walked away and finally a voice over the spearbox asked for my order. I ordered the brown bag special with cheese and no onions and told them to give me tots instead of fries with two cherry limeades. As they gave me the total (mind you I'm still on the phone with my friend) I quickly remembered the coffee, so I pressed the button again and asked that a small coffee be added to my order.

So minutes pass and I'm still on the phone with Natalie. Suddenly this woman in a blanket comes to my window again and this time seems a little upset, judging by the look on her face. As I look at her, she says to me, "If you didn't want to order me coffee, all you had to do was say so."

I don't know what came over me, but I became angry. I was angry that she would accuse me of lying about the whole coffee thing. I looked at her in the face, and said "I ordered your coffee! It's not my fault they're taking so long." Then I paused for a second, and without hesitation continued, "You know what?? I don't want to order your stupid coffee anymore and I don't want to feel sorry for you!"

With that, I rolled up my window and had to catch my breath for a second. My friend Natalie had been on speaker the whole time, so the next thing I remember was her shouting "Who are you talking to and what's going on??"

I told her to hang on for a bit while I pressed the red button again on the menu. When the guy's voice came on, I told him to cancel the coffee request because it had been for a homeless woman who apparently thought I was kidding abnout ordering it for her. My friend Natalie laughed, and I told her I couldn't believe I said this to the woman, but she made me angry.

Was this wrong of me? Should I be feeling bad about this? Was I still upset from the text I had gotten earlier that evening. Perhaps it was wrong. Perhaps I did feel bad. Perhaps I was still angry from the text. Point is, it was Christmas. A friend of mine said I shouldn't worry about it. I realized what I had done and it's in the past. He said I should do something nice for someone else now. Perhaps he's right, but I think this is still going to stay in the back of my mind. I don't know that I'm naturally a mean person. It's not my nature.

It's Christams. Let's just enjoy the season.

I couldn't believe that my friend called it "poor taste" that I sent him a "Merry Christmas" text in the evening. I really don't have to explain myself to this person, but for those of you who don't know how my day went, I'm going to share.

I spent all evening with Alex's family last night. It was lots of fun. They typically celebrate Christmas right at midnight. So after church we all went to his sister's house, played cards, watched tv, and then opened gifts. We finally made it home shortly after 2am. I was truly exhausted, and it would have been obvious from my 2:30pm wake up time.

So today we got up, showered and had lunch, then I went over to see my sister and her family while Alex went over to his sister's to pick up some of his gifts. After that, I went to spend some time with my mom. While I was there, I decided to finally send out holiday text messages. One person responded with this:

"Its in poor taste to wish someone merry christmas in the evening...It jus means u forgot about them and r trying to make up for it.. Read the Countess Etiquette"

I'm quoting exactly how the text read. I didn't try to shorten anything out of laziness and I didn't purposely misspell anything. I just find it hard to believe that anyone would reply like this so a simple, "Merry Christmas :) " Which is the exact message I sent out. And then the nerve of him telling me to read some book he probably hasn't even read himself. I was a little disgusted with this display of what I thought was a friendship.

I shouldn't be surprised by any means. He's spent most of his life being negative. And I think he likes to try to bring others down in order to make himself feel better. In fact, I know he likes this. I don't understand. I've never gotten this vibe from his family. I think his family is great, but he somehow has missed all that and decided that, I guess, he wasn't going to be anything like them. It's a little sad. I do however wish that he can see past all the negative in the world and enjoy the season. He's got so many friends to be thankful for, and he's got a loving family. What else does anyone need?

Ain't it funny....

Have you ever known someone, well not known, KNOWN, but maybe known of someone, a friend of a friend, perhaps an acquaintance, that for some reason you just didn't like. I've known that person. And it's usually something petty I don't like them for, but eventually I realize it's like high school drama, and I drop it. Notice I said eventually. It doesn't happen in a day or two, sometimes not even in a week or two. Eventually, it does happen though. For me, it often happens when I notice something in someone that I relate with. Maybe an event or a circumstance they went through somehow makes me change my point of view.

Tonight I was watching QAF (Queer as Folk) with Alex. Mind you this is a show I never followed, nor had any intention of keeping up with. It just seemed really superficial. Anyway, getting back to my point. I didn't really like many of the characters. Okay, who am I kidding? I didn't like any of them. But I would still ocassionally watch. Tonight one of the scenes took place at an arena where some of the cast were watching a football game, namely one particular player. Because Alex is a little more schooled on this show, I had to ask him what was going on.

I could see that Emmet, one of the main characters was feeling uneasy in a scene where the ball player's fiance entered the box suite. Something was obviously wrong. It was also apparent that Emmet had somewhat of a crush on the ball player, still I couldn't put two and two together. So Alex told me that Emmet had once had an affair with the guy.

Anytime I've seen the show, I've voiced my opinion about the characters. Emmet's was always so fake and overly gay. Then tonight I saw his reaction as the fiance asked Emmet and his friends to meet her husband. You could see how hurt he was, and I thought, "I feel so bad for him." I know, I know...it's just a show. But I've seen stuff like that happen in real life, and I'm sure some of you have too.

It was in that moment, that his character finally reached out to me, and I could see that his disappointment. For a moment I found myself feeling sorry for him.

(I started this blog last night, then decided to go out for a drink. I just finished the last couple of sentences this afternoon...LOL! I didn't even try to save it and come back to it. It just sat on my screen all night. In fact I remember telling someone last night, "I can't believe I left in mid-blog!)

It's most upsetting when family lets you down.

I can understand friends letting you down from time to time, or at least, it's understanding when it's a friend you haven't known for years and years. Let's just say it's a friend you made over the summer. That can be somewhat understanding, right? I mean, you haven't known them that long. So when something happens that they're just can't be there for you, or somehow just kinda mess up, you have to tell yourself, "well, I don't know them all that well."

So tonight my Mom calls me to tell me that my nephew stole...no, not borrowed, literally took her debit card from her purse, without even asking and withdrew a couple hundred dollars from her account. My first reaction, natrually was, "WTF!!! What is wrong with him???" But then again, that's what I've been asking myself about him the last 2 years or so.

About a year and a half ago, I allowed him to live with me because he said he just kind of needed a change. I told him it was fine. I had no f'n clue what I was getting into. Mind you, he was still in high school at the time. I was not only working full time, but was going to school full time. I had no time to keep up with all he was doing. I don't know why I would have thought someone at 16 would have a little more control over their life. Well, maybe it's because I was a good kid. I didn't go around skipping school and stealing money, but maybe that's the new thing. It's so hard to keep up with kids these days.

I finally had enough. I was at the point where I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I know it sounds sad, but it was very true. He was constantly lying. But what really bothered me was when he would do it to my face. It didn't bother him at all that he was doing this...not for a minute. So yeah, I kicked him out. I don't regret it, not one bit. I just don't understand him. I don't understand what went wrong. He's nothing like his father was, and just about everything like his mother.

So I recently found out he's been spending more time with his mother. I'm sure her being out of prison makes it more convenient for him. I hate talking trash about her, but I had given her so many chances in the past to redeem herself. To show that she knew she had made mistakes, but that she was ready to start new again. Now all I see in my nephew is her. A sad reflection of her own life. It hurts to say that about my own family, but that's how I see it.

I wish I could just smack him across the face and make him snap out of it. I don't think that's gonna happen. First of all, I couldn't hit him. Second, I just don't think he's ready to learn. And even though my mom raised him, I don't see how it could have come to this. Yes, she spoiled him, and yes she let him get away with so much. But what baffles me is where he picked up all these awful habits.

I'm done. I'm so done. I just don't see any of my family in him. We were never like this. My brothers and sister and I, we were never like this. I've talked to him. And everytime I've felt like just giving up, someone has said, "just talk to him." I have. I've talked, I've pleaded, I've explained to him that things would not end up well if he continued on his path. And still he's continued. So I'm done. I truly feel that whatever happens.....happens. I just wish he could see how it affects everyone else.

The Holidays

Today we watched Everbody's Fine with Robert DeNiro, Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale, and Sam Rockwell. I absolutely loved this movie. It had a great story and the acting was very good. It was sad though.

Kinda made me think of my family. I have such a small family and I think it's a shame sometimes that we don't spend a lot of time together. In a way, I feel that I'm very close to my siblings, but the reality is that we're not as close as I wish we could be. I know that just like any family, we all have our own lives that we need to concentrate on. Friendships are the same way. Sometimes you want to spend all your time with friends, but you know you have to prioritize everything you do.

I would love to be able to hang out with all of my friends and family at any given moment. It's so impossible right now with school and work. I'm constantly working on something and there is never enough time for anything. We all know how that goes. I just hope that everyone can be patient and understanding. I have one semester left (crossing my fingers), and after that I will have a litte more time for the fun stuff.

I'm looking forward to my brother and nephew coming down here for the holidays. I don't get to see them enough! Lots of pictures this year, lots of pictures...I need to remember that. I don't remember taking even ONE last year. So if anything, I hope everyone has a happy holiday season with their loved ones, and definitely take lots of pictures if possible. It's always nice to have something to remember the moment.

Just need to rant.

Isn't it funny how our minds sometimes just go off on a tangent, and we start to think of the most minuscule things, even though we know we should be focusing on bigger issues? I've been so worried lately about putting together my proposal to present to my adivsor on what the topic of my thesis will be.

Although it's something I should have been working on all semester, I've decided to make slight modifications to my thesis, trying to make it less broad than it is. So my proposal is due this week, but instead I've been caught up with all the stuff I've been watching on television and in the news. I know, I know, you're thinking, "Chris, you need to focus," but that's my problem, I CAN'T!!!!

I walked into the living room just a moment ago, and the ABC drama, Brothers and Sisters was just starting (mind you, I haven't seen this show in over a year, so I really don't know what's going on). So they cut to a scene with Calista Flockhart sitting on a sofa reading something and sipping on, what I can only imagine was coffee. I noticed she was wearing this oversized hat, nothing too "in-fashion," but more like something meant to cover her head for a purpose. I turned and asked Alex if her character now had cancer. He kind of just shrugged his shoulders.

I don't understand why when tv shows want to boost ratings, they suddenly give one of their cast members cancer. It's like the producers are talking to the cast and the conversation would go something like this:

Producer: "Um, Calista, sweetie, we've gone over the numbers and we've lost a significant number of viewers to other networks in our time slot. We may have to make some slight changes to your character next season."

Flockhart: "Oh, ok. So what did you have in mind? I'm open to whatever, if you're sure it's going to help the show."

Producer: "Well, we were thinking of cancer. That, OR, you die suddenly in a horrible accident."

Flockhart: "I can do cancer. I mean what better way to win over the hearts of our viewers, right?"

And all the while saying it with such a fake smile. Seriously, think of all the shows that have given someone cancer in order to sustain viewers: Grey's Anatomy, Sex and the City, and even Desparate Housewives. Of course, most of the portrayals of cancer in these shows have seemed to be unrealistic according to some online news sources. Nonetheless, what is it about cancer that tv executives feel will always win back their audience?

Cancer is a serious issue, and some people don't make it through. Of course most of these tv characters seem to beat it (with the exception of Erin Daniels on The L Word). Yes, I understand that cancer is "real life," but what about making a character go through what many others go through in real life? Something like struggling to get through school and work and pay bills...this is MY real life. Oh of course! It's not going to get the same ratings as someone rich and with cancer, my bad.

Ok, enough of my tv cancer rant. I've also been on this whole Hollywood and remake business high. I just have to wonder why, or even when Hollywood ran out of all their ideas that they had to start remaking everything. It's like original ideas don't exist anymore in tinsel town. What happened? Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the occasional remake, but I don't want all my movies to be that way. The one I truly enjoyed was the 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I love a lot of Michael Bay's work. Then there are all the disasters like The Fog, The Amityville Horror, When a Stranger Calls, and House of Wax.

And now some classics are coming back: Poltergeist, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Clash of the Titans, Footloose, Piranha, and Red Dawn. And those are only some that are actually in production. Others that are actually in development include: Girls Just Want to Have Fun, The Blob, RoboCop, Short Circuit, The Neverending Story, Total Recall, and Valley Girl. The part that still gets me about the whole remake business is that tv is also getting in on the act. Just this season, re-introduced Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place. I know these aren't technically remakes, but rather more like new generations, it's still almost the same thing. I mean, why now? Why didn't this happen with big contenders like Dallas or Dynasty?

I'm just saying that sometimes remakes can be fun, but more than not they're simply annoying. Then again, it's a totally new generation of people now working in Hollywood. I guess the younger they get, the less original they are. The other day I was watching Pretty Woman and thought to myself, "If this movie had been released today, Julia Roberts would totally have been nominated for an Academy Award." Today, it doesn't take much to be nominated, then again the options are pretty slim.

All I can say is, goodluck Hollywood. You might need it.

Being a "people pleaser" sucks sometimes.

I often find that I set myself up for failure. Not because I want to, but because I haven't mastered the art of saying no. And sometimes, it's not the person I'm making a commitment to, but the people around me that seem to be let down. Today I was able to see that.

A woman came into my store early this evening, but it was just a couple of hours before closing time. She asked about getting some flyers printed, but she wanted four on a page and she wanted them cut down to size. I told her it would be fine and that I could get them done before closing time. But when I told her that, I was already working on another project, AND trying to help a couple other people in the store.

I was able to manipulate her file so that I could get four on a page, but when they printed, the edges were getting cut off, so she asked that I fit the image to the page size, which I did, and in turn ended up getting larger and odd sized margins from one side to the other. My co-worker said to me that this type of project should be proofed by the customer before printing. I had in fact shown the customer a proof beforehand. It wasn't cut down, and maybe that's why she couldn't really tell there would be a problem.

When she returned to the store, she wasn't too thrilled with the odd margins, but I explained to her that I had in fact shown her two different samples on two different paper stocks. I also added that because she asked me to fit the image to the page size, it was going to change everything. I feel like I'm rambling on and on about this particular incident.

The point is, I didn't want to let her down, which is why I promised to have her project before closing time. It pretty much turned into a disaster. My co-worker was disappointed that I did it and was not able to get to other projects that needed to be worked on. And this isn't even the first time I've done something like this.

Just the other day, one of the guys at another store asked me to work for him, just for a couple of hours since I told him I was working 11-7 that day. I didn't realize until the day of, that I actually closed at my store. I felt really bad because I had already promised my friend Kevin that it would be no problem. It sucked because I let him down, something that could have been avoided had I checked my schedule earlier.

I have friends who have asked me to go out at times that coincided with plans I already had with other friends, but I didn't realize it until I checked my schedule of plans. I've actually done this on numerous occasions. And rather than say, "oh, I can't. I forgot I already had plans," I will try and keep both, and end up being very late to one because I couldn't say no. It usually ends up with one party being upset because I'm late.

I keep telling myself I'm going to stop doing this, but I don't know how. I think I want to make everyone happy, and I feel like saying "no," will only upset them. I'm really going to try and make this a goal for the new year. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I've realized for a very long time (and have also been told straight up) that my time management just sucks.