A letter to the editor:

I recently came across a rather disturbing article in a local magazine known as "Ignite." The following is my response to this publication's editor. I will first post the link to the article so that you may read the atrocity for yourself.

http://www.igniteisonline.com/people/jun-2011/defining-disappointment-men

Here is my response:

In response to The Defining Disappointment in Men, published in Ignite Magazine June 2011.

I recently read a column published in your June issue which really disturbed me. Not only was it an exaggerated generalization on gay men, but the writing style was quite poor. You do have copy editors that look at this, right? I find it quite interesting that no one bothered to check any references or facts that might have backed up this author's arguement.

The column titled, The Defining Disappointment In Men, had no mert whatsoever. The author goes on and on about why men cheat and shouldn’t be trusted, and then going even further as to bash gay men. First of all, as a gay man, I feel offended that anyone would even try and classify me as a liar without knowing me. Secondly, as a journalist, the manner in which it was written was just altogether disappointing.

The author of this article, Mr. Ledezma, pointed out that men are jealous for two reasons: either they’ve been cheated on, or they are cheating themselves. But James Park, author of the book New Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships, claims that jealousy stems from three factors: competition, comparison, and the fear of being replaced. It stems from fear and one’s own self- insecurities. If someone is afraid of being traded in for a newer model, of course they’re going to be jealous. Your columnist uses no facts to back his claims.

Mr. Ledezma next misquotes Winston Churchill in an attempt to explain how men lie, then go about business as usual. Bless his heart, sweetie. The quote he used was: “Men stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.” I believe what Winston Churchill actually said was that “once in a while you will stumble upon the truth, but most of us manage to pick ourselves up and hurry along as if nothing had happened.” He was neither directing his words toward man nor woman, but rather society in general.

Your columnist is also quick to advise his readers that they should end their relationship “if you find another man attractive, one that is not your boyfriend or husband.” Excuse me? Really? He calls it “honesty” and “being a man.” I’m sorry if I have to take a moment to laugh, but honesty is being able to tell your partner that you think someone is physically attractive. Just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean you’re ready to jump ship. It’s natural for men and women to find others, whether of the same sex or not, attractive.

He goes on to discuss dating advice he offered an 18-year-old friend, in which he compares men to “ravenous, malicious wolves…ready to attack…fresh meat.” Ouch! He also said that men will cheat if they know they won’t be caught. The experts seem to say other things.

In February 2009, marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman , told Oprah Winfrey it is estimated one in 2.7 men will cheat. In his study, he found that ninety-two percent of men said sex was not the primary reason. In fact, he said most of the men claimed emotional disconnection in their relationship, a sense of being unappreciated, or just a lack of thoughtful gestures. “Men are very emotional beings. They just don’t look like that. Or they don’t seem like that. Or they don’t tell you that.”

In a May 2007 article for msnbc.com, Do Men Cheat for the Thrill or the Sex, relationship expert Dr. Gail Saltz gives advice on saving a relationship after infidelity. Saltz gives advice to both sides: the cheater and the betrayed. Her advice suggests that a relationship can be saved as long as both parties are willing to deal with it together.

Ledezma also said that his words are “not stemming from self-hate or bitterness,” yet at the beginning of his column he goes on to discuss why his prior relationship ended and then continues to make assumptions about most men. Of course young men are going to be discouraged from finding love or even attempting to find a date when you publish such garbage without even getting another point of view or backing up these claims with facts. It’s this kind of trash talk that gives men, especially gay men, a bad reputation.

And as far as him referring to his advice as a “survival skill,” again, I hope he’s joking. As if I could die had I not known any of this. Actually, I would consider hunting for food, or even learning to adapt a surviving skill. This author’s advice is simply his way of venting frustrations on anyone willing to read about it.

And just for the record, I have never taken painkillers, unless actually prescribed, and only taken as instructed. And the only Prada I’ve ever owned is The Devil Wears Prada. I wouldn’t call the fact that I’m educated, having some kind of, oh what did he call it? That’s right, a “righteous indignation” over others. The fact that I'm educated makes me no better than anyone else. Someone with a sense of street smarts can be just as well off as someone with book smarts.

Here’s one thing I’ll say though. If I can give his 18-year-old friend the same advice I give all my friends of every age who are trying to find romance, it’s this: don’t be afraid to date. It’s the only way you will get to know people. But don’t go out to a club or bar with the mind-set of finding that special someone either. I have found that a connection with someone is usually unexpected. Just go out and be yourself.

Please feel free to post your own comments.